Four Words - 3.19.12

Many

Many

Shoe Changes

(Here’s how this works. Every Monday I will give you the highlights of my weekend in just four words. That’s right: one, two, three, four words. Then you will comment with the nitty-gritty details of your weekend in just four words. I can't wait to catch up with you!)

This Week - 3.16.12

This week

I'm thinking green--

leprechauns and tulip stems

things that make me smile.

I'm surrendering to rebirth--

surrendering to loss so profound

that my knees quivered and I forgot to inhale.

2011

was a rotating door

where beloved R

our main attraction in NYC

exited the stage of life

with friends and family cheering for more--

and where my dear, dear father-in-law

(he will always be a father-in-law to me)

drew in his last breath,

released his spirit,

encircled by those who love him best--

(minus the grandkids--one of which still places a photo of her papa on the carpet to dance around it.)

I am honored I was there.

I'm looking at the good

the sleeping

(with a chocolate handlebar mustache--delightful!)

the waking 

and the living

that rotates

around the sun

in a 365 day 

continuum. 

I'm curious: What are you thinking about this week? Do the season changes evoke certain emotions within you? 

Find Your Inner Fluffy White Robe

I have a big white fluffy robe that Tinkerbell ADORES. It’s the same robe that passers-by saw me wear when I locked myself out of the house. It usually has a plop of dried-oatmeal on the collar that reminds me how hard it is to use a spoon on some days. It has a patch of magenta nail polish from my days before discovering Sally Hansen’s Quick Dry nail polish. (We’ve never looked back.)

I can relate to Tinkerbell’s mama-robe (what she calls my white robe) attachment. I LOVED one of my mom’s shirts when I was a kid too. It was an off-white color and was silky polyester with a bow that tied around the neck. In hindsight, I think my mom looked totally gorgeous. But that’s not what I focused on. I just felt safe and cozy when she wore that shirt.

Now, I’m not going to tell anyone that they’re too old for anything—but I do hope that one day Tinkerbell won’t have a tantrum when it is time for her mama to change from mama-robe into something less big. White. And fluffy.

But lately—as in the last year—I’ve needed even more to feel safe and cozy— as I look to a future that is uncertain and uncomfortable. (Where are you dear alabaster shirt??) Plainly said: We must be gentle with ourselves.

From a recovering perfectionist—I am guilty of being hard on myself (and the punishment for being hard on myself is  . . . oh, wait. What was I saying??). But not surprisingly, when we need people the most is when it’s the hardest to ask for support (even though asking for support is being gentle on ourselves.)

And in addition to getting support from others, there are small things that you can do to be gentle on yourself. Here are a few ways that have helped me—and which shouldn’t take too much effort. (Because you need some energy to be gentle on yourself.)

Let in smiles.

Letting in someone’s smile means you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge that you deserve goodness, kindness, and love. Letting in someone’s smile turns off the voice that says, “I wonder what they’re smiling about?” or “Do I look funny or something?” or  any other comment that minimizes the fact that someone is smiling at you and reminds you that YOU ARE OKAY. Authentic smiles can say: I acknowledge you. I appreciate you. Thank you for being you. And when you can do it—respond with a smile that comes from your heart too.

 

Become as a dove AND a serpent.

There is a passage in the Holy Bible that says: Be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves. I’m no expert on religious texts (far from it) but I like to think of this scripture in terms of being gentle on ourselves.

I like to take a literal approach—looking at the basic behavior of the animals. Since many snakes only have moderate eyesight— they primarily use “vibrations” to sense their world. Interpretation:  A snake garners “wisdom” from trusting its gut. Snakes rarely attack (unless provoked) and avoid situations that are dangerous. Very wise, no?

With doves, we can also learn about self preservation aka gentleness to ourselves. As a child, my only pet (besides fish) was a turtleneck dove.  And even though my training of it for the circus didn’t go as planned (it had other plans)—I could prod and poke my feathered friend without nary a peck. It rarely moved to my desired location (think mini hula-hoops), mind you, but that is the beauty of it. My birdie was steadfast in what it wanted to do—but it didn’t hurt others in the process. So to apply this to being gentle on yourself—if you feel like you need to: take a night off from cooking, skip a family get-together, or [FILL IN THE BLANK]. Do it! Listen to your gut and stick to your guns (in a harmless way, of course.) Self preservation is self love.

Control –S

When someone says something kind to you—especially if its truth resonates—save that moment. The best way to remember and internalize kind words is by saying, “Thank you.” (And try to steer-clear of a thesis-like response that argues why you are not what they say.) One powerful memory—one that has gotten me through many hard days—happened when I first moved in with my sister. I was immobilized by grief. I was crying all the time. And one day I cried to my sister about my concern of what Tinkerbell would remember about this time (like me crying a lot)—and she said something I have saved and replayed many times. She said, “I think she’ll remember that her mom took her to the playground every day.” Whoa. Talk about powerful. And the power came from both the words (which were true—I did take Tinkerbell to the playground every day) and the love that was expressed by my sister when saying those words.

 

Play

In Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection (a book I ADORE too!) there is section dedicated entirely to play. According to Brown, play is one of the keys to wholehearted living (living in a way that helps you be your best self: boundaried and vulnerable.) I think play can become a way to be gentle on ourselves by slowing down and doing something with your hands. Have you ever noticed that when you are busy knitting, doodling, writing, drawing, gardening, taking pictures or whatever—that you feel more happy? More alive? Me too. 

Please share: What would you add to this list? What do you do to be more gentle on yourself?

Four Words - 3.12.12

Sunshine. Outside. Beautiful. Whole.

(Here’s how this works. Every Monday I will give you the highlights of my weekend in just four words. That’s right: one, two, three, four words. Then you will comment with the nitty-gritty details of your weekend in just four words. I can't wait to catch up with you!)

This Week - 3.9.12

**UPDATE** As I was writing this post, I had a computer mishap. But being tired I went to bed -- only to have dreams laced with fear. Did I lose my post? Oh dear! Oh my! But no. IT HAD PUBLISHED! Dearie me is right. I wrote about things (ahem, repeatedly) that I think I would have edited before consciously depressing the PUBLISH button. (And I don't want to talk about the lack of spell check.) But I will take courage and stay away from the delete button. This was a moment in time for me this week.

This week

I continue to think about hair

 because what better to distract me

from the delicate details of divorce 

than hair?

But then I find a gray hair--

the wiry unstable kind--

and my distraction pelts me in the head

with reality.

I don't want to get divorced, friends.

I don't don't don't don't 

want to get divorced.

And yet, I know it's right.

(This is where my post ended, but I will continue on . . .) 

I'm also avoiding

a certain book on my night stand.

Avoiding the green potty

with a bunny on front.

A potty that faces its soon-to-be successor

set up like it's tea-party time

set up perfect for inconvenient conversations

that might go something like this:

Me: Are you done yet?

Her: No! (Note: She doesn't say nope much anymore.)

Me: Good job trying.

Her: No!

Me: You're just like Snow White. I'm sure Snow White sits on a small potty all the time. 

Her: No!oooow White?

There's a lot of repetition in my life.

A lot of things

that spiral around my head

Sort of like those grey hairs I keep plucking. 

Please share:  What do you "not want to do" these days? In what ways do you distract yourself? How do you pull-out from distractions?